Parenting Antics Bite Back...

My hubby and I have a bad habit of speaking to each other in heavy New York accents. (Think Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny). It is not uncommon to hear us jokingly conversing with one other saying things like " Get outta heeeeeeeeeeeaaa". A always gets a kick out of this.
To my shock and amazement this past weekend while waiting outside the bathroom for A to go  (She insists on everyone giving her privacy when she goes to the bathroom) she suddenly yells....

" IT STINKS IN HEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAA" in the thickest New York accent.

Needless to say I burst into a fit of laughter and now she knows this gets a laugh. A few days later we are in a crowded restaurant bathroom where every stall is filled and locked and the bathroom is somehow quiet except for the sound of the random flush.
A shouts at the peak of the silence " IT STINKS IN HEEEEEEEEEA!"

And of course our own antics bite us in the ass.

My Old Souled Toddler....

While having family dinner last week we decided to put on X Factor because typically A loves shows where kids dance/sing etc. Willow Smith happens to be on stage performing and A says with the casualness of an old soul;

"I used to dance like that when I was a kid...."

Me: " When you are a kid??!?"

A: "Yeah, when I was a kid..."

Me: "Then what are you now?!?"

A: she looks right at me, raises her brow in shock at my question and says; "A Toddler!"

aah.... silly me.......
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Hubs and I are new fans of the pandora app on our iphones. We are plugging in some favorite artists from the 90's to reminisce when an old Blue's Traveler song comes on. Hubs says "Remember this song? When was the last time you heard this song?"

A chimes in.... "Oh yeah. This song reminds me of me and mommy..."

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Here's the heart breaker....
While eating lunch in our eat in kitchen, out of the blue A says;

A: I would be so sad if I didn't have a mommy......

I am baffled and running through every show and movie she has seen to warrant this thought! Coming up short I ask:
Me: Who do you know that doesn't have a mommy??

A: Well.... Nonni (my mom) doesn't have a mommy.... and Abita (hubs' mom) doesn't have a mommy.......

Me: Everyone has a mommy but some people's mommies are up in heaven.

A: I would be sad if I didn't have one....

T E A R........

She baffles me every day just like I am sure your children do or did when they were small and began to uncover the truths in this world.  I still am unsure why she said this out of the blue and I am sure at some point in the near future the truth of where this came from will reveal itself but for now I am just gonna relish in the sweetness of it all....

Pee Pee Foot

Even when we put our best parenting foot forward, we all have our moments where we are, well, not so shiny…. I had one this weekend. 

In my personal opinion, overalls happen to be one of the cutest pieces of clothing you could put a child in, even if they are the most impractical of all items for a toddler whose bathroom habits are slightly inconsistent! 

Yesterday I mustered up the energy to take A to the park where we could begin to attempt our annual holiday photo shoot. (Since I am a photographer I take holiday cards very seriously and typically we do about 5 – 6 shoots before I find all the right photos. Poor kid). This being said I dressed my darling little one in overalls and a peter pan collared long sleeve shirt with a darling sweater over for this particular segment.

Before we left the house I asked the most important question of all; “Do you have to pee pee?”.  

She said no….

We arrive at the park which is less than a mile from our home but a pain in the ass nonetheless with our props and cameras ready. I begin directing my toddler and notice she is shaking her hips from side to side….. Uh Oh. This is a bad sign. 

She says “Mommy! I have to pee pee!”. Naturally I ask “ Can you hold it for a few more minutes?” (First parenting strike against me) and she says “NO Mommy!!”  as she continues to shift from side to side. 

There are NO bathrooms at this park. None. So I did the only logical thing…. I opened the front car door and the back door and I stripped my kid in the parking lot leaving her socks and shoes on and told her to pop a squat really quick. She looked at me like I was crazy but trusted that this was totally legal and no big deal (Strike two…)

She obliged and moments later I heard sweet sound of tinkle on the pavement. Alas, my photo shoot is  NOT ruined!  Things were going pretty well until I realized she must of REALLY had to go as it quickly turned into the scene from a League of Their Own when Tom Hanks just can’t stop!  Suddenly, I noticed the steady stream flowing neatly  downstream has now shifted to RIGHT down her leg and all over her SOCK/SHOE…..

Oh shit!!! I exclaimed, not wanting her to feel bad I giggled awkwardly. (Strike 3 for mom).  Panicking, I look around for my wipes or a towel or any kind of something to wipe my kid off with and I then realize I am in my husband’s car where there is nothing…  My hubs and his fucking clean ass car!!

I try and teach her how to “drip dry” (thanks college!) and just when I think we are gonna be ok with just one pee pee soaked sock, her underwear fall out of my hand and into the puddle of pee.    Sweet.

Mind you it’s a crisp 50 degrees outside and her tiny coolie now has a red patch on either cheek.  I am thinking BOY I am a terrible parent! How did I not just DRIVE right home and let the child pee in peace!?

So we have a giggle and I call her “Pee Pee Foot” which makes her laugh and she goes commando. We live with one wet pee pee soaked sock and continue on our shoot. The show must go on right!? What a trooper my child was to endure the humiliation of a mom who lets you squat in between two car doors in the parking lot of the park.

Like I said…  A whole new set of issues…..  I LOVE YOU A!

*I now plan to invest in this Folding Travel Potty that allows you to let your child pee/poo in the trunk of your car in peace.

Breakfast Chatter

If you have a toddler you are most likely used to things having to be a "certain" way. For example, If you dare rip the straw off of the juice box when little sweetie wants to do it herself you are entering a world of ear piercing screams and irrational behavior. Every child is different of course but mine doesn't like her food to touch. 

Ok so this she gets from me. I have a weird thing about food touching and I don't like it when people put things on my plate without me asking. 

Poor hubs handed me a blue cheese dipped wing at a bar when we first started dating and he put it on my plate and I almost fell over. I had to explain that;

A) I loathe when people put food on my plate especially when its soaked in blue cheese and

B) I have an aversion to white dips etc. 

Don't laugh. I know that's ridiculous and I have since added Ranch dip to my list of things I like with celery and carrots but I would never dip a wing in anything but the hottest of hot sauces and I would never dip a fry in mayo or eat mayo for that matter. 

Back to crazy toddlers and there irrational likes and dislikes…

So this morning after she squealed about not wanting to go to school for 10 minutes when I woke her up, (This happens lately and by breakfast she is giddy to see her friends and teachers. I haven't been able to understand this at all) I started to make her pancakes. (Don't worry I am still my mother's daughter. They are microwaveable mini pancakes. Mothers who have to do 80 things all before they catch a bus to Manhattan don't make pancakes from scratch OR a box in the morning). 

So I hand her the pancakes on one plate and a syrup smiley face man on a second plate (yes this must be on its own plate these days) and she asks me for some sliced banana. Suddenly because I slice banana in my cereal in the morning she wants it too which is FINE by me! So I start to slice it over her plate and she says:

A: Put the banana right here. (She points to the exact spot she wants it so it has its own section. She continues on...)

You can't put the banana on top of the pancake. No, no. (and then in a sing songy voice) You know who's watching!!!!

She then belts out her rendition of "You better watch out, you better not cry.....".

So despite my hellish morning of rushing because I forgot to turn on my alarm, followed by the sobs of a child who doesn’t feel like waking up, being forced into clothes and shipped off to school, we ended our morning ritual on the best note, a happy one. 

We sang “Santa Claus is coming to Town” the whole way to school…

What not to say to a pregnant person....

I really thought I was prepared to endure the enormous task of pregnancy a second time. I have come to find as I embark on my 15^th week that I am by no means prepared. When I was pregnant the first time, I loved it. I glowed! Every pound I gained was just another step towards meeting my little one. This time I cringe every time I step on the scale knowing how many miles I will have to jog in order to lose it later. I don’t want to seem ungrateful here. I am blessed to be having a healthy pregnancy and all of that. I mean it! But, it doesn’t mean I can’t whine a little bit, plus this is a “safe place” and I vow to be honest on all fronts.

While I am on the subject and complaining about pregnancy in general I must say there are some really insensitive people out there. Some might use the word “Moron” when referring to someone who would actually say one of the idiotic lines below.  

Since there is clearly some confusion with regard to what is acceptable to say and what is not, I would like to provide some insight so that other pregnant women might be spared from the jarring comments that unnerve you in a way that make you think you might fly off the handle and come at said person with a broomstick. (Believe me I have thought about this)

Here it goes. Unacceptable words and phrases to use when speaking to a pregnant person.(Let it be known that these are ALL things that have been said to me with either baby 1 or baby 2)

• Just wait... (ex. you will never go out to dinner again, movies again, have fun again, sleep again, you get the picture)
• This only happens if you let it.
• "Let me see your ass! If its wider then it’s a girl.. YUP, definitely a girl!" - bitch!
• I actually prayed every night that this girl would get so fat when she was pregnant and she totally did! 
• “You look just like you did last time you were pregnant! A little chubby and rounder everywhere!"
• No comment
• “Are you nervous about delivering? It's gonna hurt like hell!! (from a man no less...)
• Fucking moron. Yes I know its gonna hurt? Do you think its NOT on my mind?
• Your arms don't look fat, they just look more "matronly"
• Sorry sis, that was you but I forgive you because you love me and I did have fat arms
• Do you remember how HUGE you got the first time you were pregnant?!!
• I gained 60 lbs. Do you think honestly I don't remember what it was like to go from a size 2 to a big women? I mean come on man.... Thanks for the reminder! 

Please people, you need to be increasing your sensitivity chip at this point not shrinking it.  Don't piss off a pregnant women or you will get a sty in your eye.

(My Puerto Rican Dentist told me that so it must be true!)

Lights Out!

When it snows in October it just feels wrong! All my life I understood the seasons and how they change, but I never realized that nature has the leaves falling from the trees in order to make room for the weight of the snow in the winter time. Call me crazy but I am kind of blown away by this simple fact of life!

So when the snow fell and fell and fell, we were shocked. The weather said 2 – 4 inches. To us North East folks, that’s nothing so we decided to venture North about an hour away and head to the outlets for a day of shopping and fun. The snow was falling while we shopped but when we left there was about 4 inches already sticking to the ground. When we got on the road it was beyond dangerous. Trees down, snow balls the size of my head falling on the car from the trees above and chaos on the road. It took us 2.5 hours to get home and when we walked in we were so grateful to not only be home but to still have POWER! 

We immediately started heating up food just in case power went out and the moment we took the pizza out of the oven, BOOM, lights out.

Together we scurried around the house gathering candles, flashlights and the like. Luckily we were prepared from having over prepared for the wrath of Irene a few months earlier and so we knew where everything was.

Once it got dark out we gave A her own little LED light to run around with and she immediately went to her play kitchen to cook and such for her dolls. 

Me: There goes the power!

A: Don’t worry guys, I will go turn the lights back on

Later……

Hubs and I are getting organized with candles and lights. A is playing in her kitchen and yells out

A: Guys, I got power back in my kitchen!

It’s a good thing I got a 3 for $20 pack of fleece feetie pj’s for the winter! With no heat and winter clothes stored away we would have been completely unprepared to house a 3 year old in a house with no heat.  Maybe that was worth the 2.5 hour ride home alone…. J

**I hope all who were affected by this freak storm are safe and sound. I also hope anyone without power gets it back really soon!

Great Quote....

Photography is a way of feeling, of touching, of loving. What you have caught on film is captured forever… it remembers little things, long after you have forgotten everything. - Aaron Siskind www.thinkexsist.com

I just love this quote. Never stop taking photos even if you think you suck. One of my most fond memories of being a kid was sorting through boxes and boxes of photos my mom took of me growing up. I would look at my baby photos for hours! It always made me feel so loved. So keep clicking everyone! And if you want a professional in the tri-state area check out my website
www.AudreyBlakePhotography.com

Classroom Birthdays!

Do you remember when your birthday fell on a school day? Oh how exciting it was knowing you were going to serve your friends cupcakes and perhaps give out goodie bags too!

Some kids came to school with hand painted and elaborate cupcakes hand made in the wee hours of the night by their doting mothers. Others came with ornately decorated cookies from scratch! As I devoured these delicious cupcakes I would visualize their mom's covered in flour and sweat smiling while they mixed and baked for their precious darlings.

My mother was a little more unorthodox. She took me to Entenmman's bakery to buy 6 boxes of assorted cupcakes (vanilla, strawberry and chocolate iced vanilla cupcakes which they sadly no longer make). We then would go home and place each cupcake on a plate from home and wrap them in foil so they "looked" homemade. Since they were delicious I didn't mind, I was just grateful she had the good sense to make it looked like she was just like all the other moms.

Most of what I know about parenting I have learned from having been a kid and having the two parents I was given (obviously right?). If the Entenmman's bakery still sold those cupcakes I would probably go that route too but I do the in-between and buy the good ol' Betty Crocker mix and go to town. Don't worry Mom, I don't judge you for buying boxed cupcakes. I turned out alright ;)

Well evidently A was so excited about her birthday while at school that she didn't nap a wink. I came and hubs surprised her too and we brought cupcakes for all the little pre-k class who will do anything for sweets of ANY kind. We decided to take our 3 year old Miniature Golfing after that since it was 80 degrees and October. She did as well as could be expected (running after the balls we shot and placing them into the hole's for us).

Happy Birthday to my baby girl. I just can't believe you are 3! The past 3 years have been challenging, rewarding and overall a TON of fun. Thank you for being YOU.