Parenting Antics Bite Back...

My hubby and I have a bad habit of speaking to each other in heavy New York accents. (Think Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny). It is not uncommon to hear us jokingly conversing with one other saying things like " Get outta heeeeeeeeeeeaaa". A always gets a kick out of this.
To my shock and amazement this past weekend while waiting outside the bathroom for A to go  (She insists on everyone giving her privacy when she goes to the bathroom) she suddenly yells....

" IT STINKS IN HEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAA" in the thickest New York accent.

Needless to say I burst into a fit of laughter and now she knows this gets a laugh. A few days later we are in a crowded restaurant bathroom where every stall is filled and locked and the bathroom is somehow quiet except for the sound of the random flush.
A shouts at the peak of the silence " IT STINKS IN HEEEEEEEEEA!"

And of course our own antics bite us in the ass.

What in the world is "Gig-au-dia?"

Growing up my family has always used "Italian slang words" that aren't really Italian at all..
For example, eggplant camponata is called "Ga-ba-da-dean".  Marinara sauce is pronounced "Ma-da-nod". Why? I have no idea. Another word I grew up hearing was a word pronounced " Gig-au-dia". It is supposed to mean "nothing.". Why? I have no idea.

We took a family trip to Target for some Christmas decorations right after we all had dinner. My daughter ate 3 pieces (small) of pizza and as soon as we walk into target she immediately asks " Mommy do you have any snacks?"
What is that all about? She is full and wants no more dinner but the moment we clean the dishes, put away the food or step foot anywhere, she is suddenly hungry again.

I reply " A, you just had dinner. Mommy doesn't have any snacks."

A: "What's in your bag? Can I see?" (referring to my purse in the cart)

Me: Baby girl, I have Gigawdia!! (spoken in a dramatic and very poor Italian accent)

To which she replies innocently and sweetly...

A: "Can I have some of that?"

For the next 30 minutes I tried to explain that the term " Gigawdia" meant that I had 'nothing"... once she finally got it she continued to repeat the word over and over throughout the store. :)

Simply too cute...

Does she look like me now??!

It is a funny feeling to house a baby in your tummy for 9 long months only to have it pop out looking identical to your spouse. While I think my daughter is beautiful, that's not the point. He did about 10 minutes worth of work!!! How is it that she looks JUST like him??

So in the early months I scrutinized my 3 month old baby looking for signs of "me". One day I found a wig and as you can see I put it on my unsuspecting child and sent it to my best friend with the title "Does she look like me now?"!! To this day her and most all of her co-workers keep this photo handy for the bad days. I am so glad it brings joy to so many.

Last year I thought I should probably continue the tradition and on Halloween after I was 'Dora the Explorer" I begged and pleaded with my 2 year old to please please let Mommy take a photo of her with the wig on. She was not happy. I bribed her with something and although she offered not even a hint of a smile, I still got the photo which one day she will laugh at with me (I hope).

 

Now that she is 3, she has a mind of her own. While getting ready for work she found the wig to my Sue Sylvestor costume which looks something like a Donald Trump wig. She asked why I didn't wear it and she tried it on. The lightbulb went off and I thought ,  OMG I need to capitalize on this.

So I said : "Hey A do you want to try on mommy's Dora wig???" Naturally she said yes...

So here is Year 3's version of "Does she look like me now?!"

As you can see she LOVES it. She asked me if she could wear it to school and then proceeded to watch sesame street while wearing it. A - M - A - Z - I - N - G!  This brought me so much joy in the morning.

My Old Souled Toddler....

While having family dinner last week we decided to put on X Factor because typically A loves shows where kids dance/sing etc. Willow Smith happens to be on stage performing and A says with the casualness of an old soul;

"I used to dance like that when I was a kid...."

Me: " When you are a kid??!?"

A: "Yeah, when I was a kid..."

Me: "Then what are you now?!?"

A: she looks right at me, raises her brow in shock at my question and says; "A Toddler!"

aah.... silly me.......
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Hubs and I are new fans of the pandora app on our iphones. We are plugging in some favorite artists from the 90's to reminisce when an old Blue's Traveler song comes on. Hubs says "Remember this song? When was the last time you heard this song?"

A chimes in.... "Oh yeah. This song reminds me of me and mommy..."

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Here's the heart breaker....
While eating lunch in our eat in kitchen, out of the blue A says;

A: I would be so sad if I didn't have a mommy......

I am baffled and running through every show and movie she has seen to warrant this thought! Coming up short I ask:
Me: Who do you know that doesn't have a mommy??

A: Well.... Nonni (my mom) doesn't have a mommy.... and Abita (hubs' mom) doesn't have a mommy.......

Me: Everyone has a mommy but some people's mommies are up in heaven.

A: I would be sad if I didn't have one....

T E A R........

She baffles me every day just like I am sure your children do or did when they were small and began to uncover the truths in this world.  I still am unsure why she said this out of the blue and I am sure at some point in the near future the truth of where this came from will reveal itself but for now I am just gonna relish in the sweetness of it all....

Pee Pee Foot

Even when we put our best parenting foot forward, we all have our moments where we are, well, not so shiny…. I had one this weekend. 

In my personal opinion, overalls happen to be one of the cutest pieces of clothing you could put a child in, even if they are the most impractical of all items for a toddler whose bathroom habits are slightly inconsistent! 

Yesterday I mustered up the energy to take A to the park where we could begin to attempt our annual holiday photo shoot. (Since I am a photographer I take holiday cards very seriously and typically we do about 5 – 6 shoots before I find all the right photos. Poor kid). This being said I dressed my darling little one in overalls and a peter pan collared long sleeve shirt with a darling sweater over for this particular segment.

Before we left the house I asked the most important question of all; “Do you have to pee pee?”.  

She said no….

We arrive at the park which is less than a mile from our home but a pain in the ass nonetheless with our props and cameras ready. I begin directing my toddler and notice she is shaking her hips from side to side….. Uh Oh. This is a bad sign. 

She says “Mommy! I have to pee pee!”. Naturally I ask “ Can you hold it for a few more minutes?” (First parenting strike against me) and she says “NO Mommy!!”  as she continues to shift from side to side. 

There are NO bathrooms at this park. None. So I did the only logical thing…. I opened the front car door and the back door and I stripped my kid in the parking lot leaving her socks and shoes on and told her to pop a squat really quick. She looked at me like I was crazy but trusted that this was totally legal and no big deal (Strike two…)

She obliged and moments later I heard sweet sound of tinkle on the pavement. Alas, my photo shoot is  NOT ruined!  Things were going pretty well until I realized she must of REALLY had to go as it quickly turned into the scene from a League of Their Own when Tom Hanks just can’t stop!  Suddenly, I noticed the steady stream flowing neatly  downstream has now shifted to RIGHT down her leg and all over her SOCK/SHOE…..

Oh shit!!! I exclaimed, not wanting her to feel bad I giggled awkwardly. (Strike 3 for mom).  Panicking, I look around for my wipes or a towel or any kind of something to wipe my kid off with and I then realize I am in my husband’s car where there is nothing…  My hubs and his fucking clean ass car!!

I try and teach her how to “drip dry” (thanks college!) and just when I think we are gonna be ok with just one pee pee soaked sock, her underwear fall out of my hand and into the puddle of pee.    Sweet.

Mind you it’s a crisp 50 degrees outside and her tiny coolie now has a red patch on either cheek.  I am thinking BOY I am a terrible parent! How did I not just DRIVE right home and let the child pee in peace!?

So we have a giggle and I call her “Pee Pee Foot” which makes her laugh and she goes commando. We live with one wet pee pee soaked sock and continue on our shoot. The show must go on right!? What a trooper my child was to endure the humiliation of a mom who lets you squat in between two car doors in the parking lot of the park.

Like I said…  A whole new set of issues…..  I LOVE YOU A!

*I now plan to invest in this Folding Travel Potty that allows you to let your child pee/poo in the trunk of your car in peace.

Breakfast Chatter

If you have a toddler you are most likely used to things having to be a "certain" way. For example, If you dare rip the straw off of the juice box when little sweetie wants to do it herself you are entering a world of ear piercing screams and irrational behavior. Every child is different of course but mine doesn't like her food to touch. 

Ok so this she gets from me. I have a weird thing about food touching and I don't like it when people put things on my plate without me asking. 

Poor hubs handed me a blue cheese dipped wing at a bar when we first started dating and he put it on my plate and I almost fell over. I had to explain that;

A) I loathe when people put food on my plate especially when its soaked in blue cheese and

B) I have an aversion to white dips etc. 

Don't laugh. I know that's ridiculous and I have since added Ranch dip to my list of things I like with celery and carrots but I would never dip a wing in anything but the hottest of hot sauces and I would never dip a fry in mayo or eat mayo for that matter. 

Back to crazy toddlers and there irrational likes and dislikes…

So this morning after she squealed about not wanting to go to school for 10 minutes when I woke her up, (This happens lately and by breakfast she is giddy to see her friends and teachers. I haven't been able to understand this at all) I started to make her pancakes. (Don't worry I am still my mother's daughter. They are microwaveable mini pancakes. Mothers who have to do 80 things all before they catch a bus to Manhattan don't make pancakes from scratch OR a box in the morning). 

So I hand her the pancakes on one plate and a syrup smiley face man on a second plate (yes this must be on its own plate these days) and she asks me for some sliced banana. Suddenly because I slice banana in my cereal in the morning she wants it too which is FINE by me! So I start to slice it over her plate and she says:

A: Put the banana right here. (She points to the exact spot she wants it so it has its own section. She continues on...)

You can't put the banana on top of the pancake. No, no. (and then in a sing songy voice) You know who's watching!!!!

She then belts out her rendition of "You better watch out, you better not cry.....".

So despite my hellish morning of rushing because I forgot to turn on my alarm, followed by the sobs of a child who doesn’t feel like waking up, being forced into clothes and shipped off to school, we ended our morning ritual on the best note, a happy one. 

We sang “Santa Claus is coming to Town” the whole way to school…

What not to say to a pregnant person....

I really thought I was prepared to endure the enormous task of pregnancy a second time. I have come to find as I embark on my 15^th week that I am by no means prepared. When I was pregnant the first time, I loved it. I glowed! Every pound I gained was just another step towards meeting my little one. This time I cringe every time I step on the scale knowing how many miles I will have to jog in order to lose it later. I don’t want to seem ungrateful here. I am blessed to be having a healthy pregnancy and all of that. I mean it! But, it doesn’t mean I can’t whine a little bit, plus this is a “safe place” and I vow to be honest on all fronts.

While I am on the subject and complaining about pregnancy in general I must say there are some really insensitive people out there. Some might use the word “Moron” when referring to someone who would actually say one of the idiotic lines below.  

Since there is clearly some confusion with regard to what is acceptable to say and what is not, I would like to provide some insight so that other pregnant women might be spared from the jarring comments that unnerve you in a way that make you think you might fly off the handle and come at said person with a broomstick. (Believe me I have thought about this)

Here it goes. Unacceptable words and phrases to use when speaking to a pregnant person.(Let it be known that these are ALL things that have been said to me with either baby 1 or baby 2)

• Just wait... (ex. you will never go out to dinner again, movies again, have fun again, sleep again, you get the picture)
• This only happens if you let it.
• "Let me see your ass! If its wider then it’s a girl.. YUP, definitely a girl!" - bitch!
• I actually prayed every night that this girl would get so fat when she was pregnant and she totally did! 
• “You look just like you did last time you were pregnant! A little chubby and rounder everywhere!"
• No comment
• “Are you nervous about delivering? It's gonna hurt like hell!! (from a man no less...)
• Fucking moron. Yes I know its gonna hurt? Do you think its NOT on my mind?
• Your arms don't look fat, they just look more "matronly"
• Sorry sis, that was you but I forgive you because you love me and I did have fat arms
• Do you remember how HUGE you got the first time you were pregnant?!!
• I gained 60 lbs. Do you think honestly I don't remember what it was like to go from a size 2 to a big women? I mean come on man.... Thanks for the reminder! 

Please people, you need to be increasing your sensitivity chip at this point not shrinking it.  Don't piss off a pregnant women or you will get a sty in your eye.

(My Puerto Rican Dentist told me that so it must be true!)

Lights Out!

When it snows in October it just feels wrong! All my life I understood the seasons and how they change, but I never realized that nature has the leaves falling from the trees in order to make room for the weight of the snow in the winter time. Call me crazy but I am kind of blown away by this simple fact of life!

So when the snow fell and fell and fell, we were shocked. The weather said 2 – 4 inches. To us North East folks, that’s nothing so we decided to venture North about an hour away and head to the outlets for a day of shopping and fun. The snow was falling while we shopped but when we left there was about 4 inches already sticking to the ground. When we got on the road it was beyond dangerous. Trees down, snow balls the size of my head falling on the car from the trees above and chaos on the road. It took us 2.5 hours to get home and when we walked in we were so grateful to not only be home but to still have POWER! 

We immediately started heating up food just in case power went out and the moment we took the pizza out of the oven, BOOM, lights out.

Together we scurried around the house gathering candles, flashlights and the like. Luckily we were prepared from having over prepared for the wrath of Irene a few months earlier and so we knew where everything was.

Once it got dark out we gave A her own little LED light to run around with and she immediately went to her play kitchen to cook and such for her dolls. 

Me: There goes the power!

A: Don’t worry guys, I will go turn the lights back on

Later……

Hubs and I are getting organized with candles and lights. A is playing in her kitchen and yells out

A: Guys, I got power back in my kitchen!

It’s a good thing I got a 3 for $20 pack of fleece feetie pj’s for the winter! With no heat and winter clothes stored away we would have been completely unprepared to house a 3 year old in a house with no heat.  Maybe that was worth the 2.5 hour ride home alone…. J

**I hope all who were affected by this freak storm are safe and sound. I also hope anyone without power gets it back really soon!

Drama Queen

Dinner time:

Me: A please finish your dinner and stop playing with your food. 

A: I just want to come over there and give you a quick hug! (This requires A to get out of her booster seat, come around the table for a big hug, only to need help getting back into the chair.)

Me: That is so sweet honey but I would rather you hug me after you finish your dinner.

A: But I am just gonna come over and give you a quick hug now first. (She comes on down for a big hug and then I help her back into her chair).

Me: Ok now please finish your dinner like a good girl ok? 

A: Ok but just stop being so dramatic.

You might ask yourself "How does a three year old know how to use that in the proper context?". She doesn't. After she said it I had to hide my face in a napkin while I laughed because she caught me so off guard and said it complete with hand motions and a smile. Later that night she told our bulldog Spanky to "stop being dramatic" when he wouldn't sit for a treat. 

So, we are back to being unclear about her level of genius I am afraid..... :) 

Only time will tell...