Ahoy!! From Target

Friday morning rush to target….

·         Park the car… CHECK!

·         Get child out of car seat… CHECK!

·         Find cart that doesn’t squeak…. CHECK!

·         Place child in well oiled cart… CHECK!

You push off for the journey into the large maze and as your eyes dart around to decide where to begin, suddenly your child yells “Look Mommy!!! She’s a Pirate! She’s wearing a Pirate! A pirate!!!” (and the pointing begins…)

I glance in the direction my toddler is pointing and spot a poor women (I think this was a women) with an eye patch on, clearly embarrassed by my toddler calling out her disability and referring to her as a … ahem… pirate in the middle of a crowded store. I give my best smile/smirk/shrug and chuckle and speed off into the nearest aisle I can blend into.

Now as parents we ALL do our very best to control our potty mouths. My co-workers and close friends all know that I swear like a fat Irish man in a pub but around my toddler I usually have self control.

I have replaced “Oh My God” with “Oh My Heavens” and “Damn” with “Darnit”. But let’s face it, we all slip up and occasionally mutter “shit” when we can’t find our ATM card or forget to feed the dogs.

But how as parents do we curb those curious minds from connecting the dots that are so obvious to them?

·         Child sees women with eye patch and calls her a pirate. I mean it makes sense doesn’t it?

·         Child sees little person and yells “look mom a Munchkin!” Can ya blame them after watching the Wizard of Oz on repeat for 2 weeks?

The sad fact is that we can’t scold them for this. Sure we can explain that everyone is different and our differences make us unique but at the end of the day embarrassing moments like this are going to continue for a long while I imagine! Part of me never wants these moments to cease.

I think maybe we should embrace these moments because soon enough our innocent children will automatically censor their own fleeting thoughts just like the rest of the world….

For now I will try to enjoy the Pirate comments, the Munchkin mistakes and the fact that if I accidently say “shit”, my daughter usually says “Mommy, SHIT is a bad word. We don’t say that. Now you’re going on the naughty list….”

What not to say to a pregnant person....

I really thought I was prepared to endure the enormous task of pregnancy a second time. I have come to find as I embark on my 15^th week that I am by no means prepared. When I was pregnant the first time, I loved it. I glowed! Every pound I gained was just another step towards meeting my little one. This time I cringe every time I step on the scale knowing how many miles I will have to jog in order to lose it later. I don’t want to seem ungrateful here. I am blessed to be having a healthy pregnancy and all of that. I mean it! But, it doesn’t mean I can’t whine a little bit, plus this is a “safe place” and I vow to be honest on all fronts.

While I am on the subject and complaining about pregnancy in general I must say there are some really insensitive people out there. Some might use the word “Moron” when referring to someone who would actually say one of the idiotic lines below.  

Since there is clearly some confusion with regard to what is acceptable to say and what is not, I would like to provide some insight so that other pregnant women might be spared from the jarring comments that unnerve you in a way that make you think you might fly off the handle and come at said person with a broomstick. (Believe me I have thought about this)

Here it goes. Unacceptable words and phrases to use when speaking to a pregnant person.(Let it be known that these are ALL things that have been said to me with either baby 1 or baby 2)

• Just wait... (ex. you will never go out to dinner again, movies again, have fun again, sleep again, you get the picture)
• This only happens if you let it.
• "Let me see your ass! If its wider then it’s a girl.. YUP, definitely a girl!" - bitch!
• I actually prayed every night that this girl would get so fat when she was pregnant and she totally did! 
• “You look just like you did last time you were pregnant! A little chubby and rounder everywhere!"
• No comment
• “Are you nervous about delivering? It's gonna hurt like hell!! (from a man no less...)
• Fucking moron. Yes I know its gonna hurt? Do you think its NOT on my mind?
• Your arms don't look fat, they just look more "matronly"
• Sorry sis, that was you but I forgive you because you love me and I did have fat arms
• Do you remember how HUGE you got the first time you were pregnant?!!
• I gained 60 lbs. Do you think honestly I don't remember what it was like to go from a size 2 to a big women? I mean come on man.... Thanks for the reminder! 

Please people, you need to be increasing your sensitivity chip at this point not shrinking it.  Don't piss off a pregnant women or you will get a sty in your eye.

(My Puerto Rican Dentist told me that so it must be true!)

Drama Queen

Dinner time:

Me: A please finish your dinner and stop playing with your food. 

A: I just want to come over there and give you a quick hug! (This requires A to get out of her booster seat, come around the table for a big hug, only to need help getting back into the chair.)

Me: That is so sweet honey but I would rather you hug me after you finish your dinner.

A: But I am just gonna come over and give you a quick hug now first. (She comes on down for a big hug and then I help her back into her chair).

Me: Ok now please finish your dinner like a good girl ok? 

A: Ok but just stop being so dramatic.

You might ask yourself "How does a three year old know how to use that in the proper context?". She doesn't. After she said it I had to hide my face in a napkin while I laughed because she caught me so off guard and said it complete with hand motions and a smile. Later that night she told our bulldog Spanky to "stop being dramatic" when he wouldn't sit for a treat. 

So, we are back to being unclear about her level of genius I am afraid..... :) 

Only time will tell...

   

The Chase...

Ah, nothing like a good ol’ tantrum from a 3 year old in the middle of a crowded mall.
You might hate me but I have been pretty darn lucky in this department never having dealt with a public tantrum before this moment. One minute my darling sweetie is holding my hand and skipping along being so darn good I could squeeze her. The next minute she bolts through the department store leaving her exhausted and pregnant mom chasing her with embarrassment.
When I finally reach her I am winded and she is not. I grab her arm and scold her while all the customers look at me judging. I feel their eyes burning through my head determining what kind of a job I am doing disciplining my kid in the mall. Once I am done scolding her she proceeds to lay on the floor of the dirty carpet in macy’s and not get up. I pull her arm but she is dead weight and she is smart because she KNOWS that I cannot lift her. Or shouldn’t…..
After about 30 seconds of tugging and pleading with her I fly off the handle. Mighty mom takes over and I literally throw the child over my shoulder pregnant and all and carry her cackling with laughter out the store. When we reach the exit I am about to cry (hormones). I put her down and am steaming with anger. I scold her again and the pointer finger is out. I tell her “ You don’t even know what a spanking is and mommy doesn’t believe in them but you are headed in that direction my friend. You are gonna get a spanking if you don’t watch out.”
I never imagined these words coming out of my mouth. My mom spanked me once and I remember it like it was yesterday! (I was about 4). Instead I got dial soap on my toothbrush and scraped on the bottom of my teeth. That sucked but it worked! Now that is probably frowned upon these days too… I don’t know because I have never gotten to this point with my child before!
We get in the car and the whole way home she keeps asking me if she is gonna get a spanking. I keep wondering if she knows what that is?
Later at dinner, before I even had the chance to tell hubs the story she says “Daddy, I am gonna get a spanking.”
Do you think she is off at school telling her friends/teachers that she is gonna get spanked! I am not entirely sure how to handle this though a week later she did ask me what it was and I explained it to her delicately. I told her mommy doesn’t believe in that but that she really upset me and I hope she never gets to that point again because…. Santa is watching.
GOOD OL’ SANTA! Bringing him out early. This seems to have worked because 2 weeks later she hasn’t mentioned it again. Let’s see if it lasts.
Here is a personal favorite of mine from YouTube of an adorable toddler teaching others how to throw a proper tantrum.